


I can't

by EaSnowPw



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Hurt Stephen Strange, M/M, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 13:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EaSnowPw/pseuds/EaSnowPw
Summary: "I can't."Those were the words that broke Tony Stark's heart. And they were spoken by Stephen Strange.ORTony just wants to understand his boyfriend.





	I can't

Tony was sometimes annoyed by his lover. No, scratch that. His boyfriend. He was pretty sure Stephen wasn't in love with him.  
  
The sorcerer was cold, proper and distant. He would always tense up when Tony tried PDA, but when asked about it, he said he didn't mind. He barely glanced at Tony during meetings. And now, after Tony had woken up from a nightmare, he'd left their bed.  
  
The billionaire was at the end of his rope. Stephen wasn't Pepper. It hadn't been terror making him flee. It had been something else. And Tony wasn't patient enough to give him space.  
  
He stormed into the kitchen, where the other had made himself tea. Stephen neutrally glanced up and offered him a cup. Tony accepted, if only to have an excuse to stick around.  
  
They sat across each other in silence, each waiting for the other to make a move. Frankly, Tony was growing sick of this, having to thread carefully, as if he was dating a wild animal. He was finding it harder and harder to remember what had drawn him in to the other man, why this relationship was worth fighting for.  
  
"I don't know if I can do this anymore."  
  
The sorcerer startled, eyes widening.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You. I can't get a read on you. Do you even like me?"  
  
Something flashed in the other's eyes, but it was gone too quickly for Tony to identify.  
  
"Of course I do."  
  
"Then show me." Stephen stood up and came to him. "I hope you're not planning on kissing me." The sorcerer shook his head in confusion.  
  
"Then what do you want me to do? We're dating. I thought you were enjoying yourself, obviously a wrong assumption."  
  
"I'm not. I told you I wasn't ok."  
  
Stephen ran a hand through his hair in frustration, then knelt down in front of his lover.  
  
"You didn't tell me what you wanted," he retorted.  
  
"Ok, fine." Tony huffed in anger. "I want physical contact, not exclusively initiated by me. Not just kisses. I got it that hands are off limits, but what about hugs? Cuddles?" The sorcerer winced. "At least tell me why."  
  
It was like he'd been looking through a window and it was closing. Tony got the distinctive feeling that he was losing the other man and God damn it, that hadn't been his intention!  
  
" _I can't,_ " was the whispered answered.  
  
"Please tell me what's off limits and why. Stephen, I'm getting sick of guessing." He stood up now to follow the sorcerer who had stepped away from him. "Do you even want this to work?"  
  
"I can't," the doctor rumbled, stopping his pacing. "And of course I want this to work. I wouldn't have even gone on a date if I didn't." He spun around just in time to bump into Tony. "I just... I didn't expect this to happen."  
  
"Didn't expect what to happen?" Frustration was mounting, the sheer futility overwhelming him. Why would he even try anymore? What was the fucking point? He was obviously the only one attempting to make this work. Tony stepped back, which prompted Stephen to raise a hand, as if to stop him. He moved no further, but it still worked, somehow.  
  
The genius easily noticed two things: one, the scarred limb was exposed, which was unusual, but ok, they'd been sleeping, and two, it was shaking worse that ever. He quickly took note of the other body language indicators. Elevated breathing, eyes dating around, arms sweaty.  
  
His boyfriend was having a panic attack right in front of him and Tony hadn't even noticed, too busy being self absolved.  
  
"Stephen?" His tone shifted instantly, dread and worry replacing the self righteous anger he'd been feeling until then. "Shit, I'm so sorry."  
  
"Not your fault," the sorcerer assured him. Somehow, he found that hard to believe.  
  
Tony hovered, unsure whether to touch his boyfriend or not. Stephen didn't like touching in general. Somehow, they got to a mutual understanding, the taller man keeping a hand on the engineer's chest to match his breathing. It broke Tony's heart to see him like that. Eyes fixed on him, Stephen focused only on him, just on the one simple task he'd been given. They were both kneeling on the floor, at arm's length.  
  
"I..." Stephen stopped to swallow, throat dry.  
  
"Don't speak. We can figure things out later." Tony slowly retreated to grab a glass of water. Stephen drank it on a chair, under his worried gaze.  
  
"Probably shouldn't delay anymore."  
  
"Alright. What happened?"  
  
"Had a panic attack," Stephen replied drily, defensive walls coming up. Tony felt bitter disappointment curl inside him. He'd pushed and was now being shoved back. He'd been making some leeway lately, so maybe he had just needed more patience, but no more. He'd lost the little ground he'd gained.  
  
"Maybe we shouldn't talk tonight after all."  
  
Stephen sighed. "I apologise." He took a deep breath, bracing himself for what was to come. "I didn't expect to be so averse to physical contact. I don't know why it's selective, but sometimes I get triggered. I... I'm sorry it made you unhappy with our relationship."  
  
"You shouldn't be apologizing. I'm the one who pushed you into a panic attack," Tony fired back, fiddling with his hands. Stephen covered them with one of his.  
  
"Pay attention, because I'm only going to say this once." Their gazes met, Tony noticing the forced neutrality in his lover. He was hiding behind his mask. "Something bad happened, before Thanos. I died, in horrible ways, many times. Sometimes I can't stand any form of touch. I didn't realize until we started dating. I never liked hugs or most forms of physical contact, but it never affected me like this. If you need this in a relationship, perhaps we're incompatible after all."  
  
Silence fell over them for a few moments. Tony was staring at the other man with a horrified look on his face. Died, in horrible ways, many times. How? When? Why? Did he just say that with a straight face? How could he even function on a daily basis? How could Stephen even think that he'd walk away after such a confession? There was only one answer in his mind, only one appropriate reply.  
  
"Tell me what you like."

* * *

Months later, Tony woke up to a warm body wrapped around him. He smiled, wiggling a bit to test his range of mobility. Stephen moaned sleepily, opening his arms, then closing them when Tony didn't slide away immediately.  
  
They'd quickly figured out that making Stephen the little spoon was bound to end in disaster. Tony was more than happy to take the role.  
  
"Good morning," the sorcerer insisted.  
  
"Lemme sleep."  
  
"You're awake already."  
  
"Am not." He felt a kiss being pressed into his neck, then teeth nibbled on his ear. "That's not making me get up." The nibble turned into a bite. "Hey!" He playfully shoved at his lover.  
  
"We've got a meeting in an hour."  
  
"Wake me in two."  
  
"At least release my arm." Tony huffed and pushed himself up a bit, then felt his source of heat leave him. He whined. "I'm taking a shower. If you wanna join me, you better move."  
  
Tony got tangled in the blankets and fell down in his hurry to follow into the bathroom.

* * *

There was a hand on his knee, warmth seeping into his skin. Nobody could see it because of the table, but Tony could accept that Stephen didn't want people staring at them.  
  
"What do you think, Doctor Strange?"  
  
Stephen easily answered the question directed his way with enviable professionalism. Tony's eyes lingered on him more than the others', thinking.  
  
The conversation, despite being started on a whim, had done wonders for their relationship. Stephen wasn't as cold as he'd assumed, he just didn't have the tools for showing his affection. He was a very private person, so he couldn't stand PDA, didn't want his image ruined. It made him very uncomfortable. But subtle things, those he could do. He did them more than Tony himself. Whispers, stolen kisses, caresses under the table, he was all for it.  
  
Tony had slowly learned what Stephen could handle, too. Therefore, no matter how much he wanted to, he didn't reach for the hand on his knee. Instead, he squeezed the other's leg once, then returned to fiddling with his pen. Stephen smiled at him, a brief, easy to miss curl of the lips, his chair inching closer to Tony's. It had been worth it in the end.  
  
As the sorcerer stood up, a hand brushed along his shoulder. Tony smiled, glancing at his lover. A few months had passed since Stephen had explained himself to Tony with tears in his eyes, struggling not to break down as he talked about his pain. A few months since Tony first heard "I love you..." from the sorcerer, despite it being followed by a "but". It wasn't exactly a minor one, but Tony could accept it. He couldn't forget the mournful look of heartbreak on his boyfriend's face. The hurt, self-loathing and pain which had been locked away from everyone else until then. Tony could take it, to Stephen's surprise. Tony would rather take all of that than be left wondering and doubting.  
  
Stephen went to the sanctum after the meeting. In the evening, Tony joined him with a pizza. They gave Wong a slice, then headed to their room, kissing on the way. Tony balanced the box on a hand while the other was burried in his lover's hair.  
  
"I love you," Stephen whispered against his lips. The door opened behind Tony and they both plopped down on the old bed, pizza box between them.  
  
"I love you too," Tony answered as he moved a tomato from his slice to Stephen's. The wizard let him have his olives.  
  
Everything was perfect.


End file.
